during the day i’m fine. my head is above water. i can breathe, even laugh, sometimes dance.
and then i get home and i’m under the pressure of years of treading water. everything i managed to avoid waterfalls over me and i can’t breathe. i can’t function. all i can do is cry.
i have no one to talk to it about anymore. they’re gone, and it makes these feelings so much worse. i’m not sure how i’ve made it this long without them. i tried to die while i had them. i’m not sure how history hasn’t repeated itself now that i’m alone.
i just want to feel light. i feel so weighed down. i don’t even know what it is that’s on top of me anymore. it’s not the weight of the world. its the heaviness of every breaking heart combined with the burning of every star, then thrown into a black hole. i’m collapsing in on myself. and there’s no way to pull me out without you getting sucked in too. and that’s why i can’t let anyone get close. i ruin everyone i love. i’m sorry to all of you who i did that to. i swear i’ll never let it happen again. i’ll find a way.
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