An Ode of the Romantic Category, I Suppose

 Synthetic stability buoys my brain,

Much like the markers in the lake-

A warning for those who dare crane

Their necks to see out past the horizon.

Uppers, downers, waves of chemicals

Ripple through neurotransmitters and veins

No longer comparable to the glide of water.

Perhaps the goal is to merely exist

And end this never-ending creativity slaughter.

restless storms at sea (temporary title)

This place isn’t what it used to be. It’s no longer my sanctuary. Though I’m still a lost ship, I’m unable to call this room my harbor. The light in the tower has gone out. I’m not destined to be found. I’ll stay at sea and drown as countless sleepless nights wash over me. No search and rescue team will waste their time on me, not when those worthy of saving are drifting away.

if i could do anything (a rant)

i have a lot of thoughts. intelligent ones. i just prefer not to do anything with them. so i keep them to myself. i barely speak. my commentary on life runs its course of narration in which i am the only audience. i'm not the main character in the story of my life. i'm an extra, a bystander. others may do as they please. as long as they leave me alone and allow me to watch, i am content.
if i were to be the leading lady in my story, i'd change the script. the director would find my mood swings difficult, my temperment impossible, myself altogether terrible to work with. i'd demand rewrites and new cast members. the supporting characters would never have existed, thus making the need for re-casting the roles unneccsary.
the entire show would take place in my bed. i'd lie there. there would be music playing, or the sound of rain. i would sleep away my life. the show would end. no applause, no cheering would follow the fall of the curtain. just blissful silence and wonderful nothingness.

titles are for squares.

i am emotionally starving.
i am eternally tired and perpetually out of place.
basic cravings now include cigarettes and companionship.
now necessary to life is caffeine.
i don't know who i am.
i never did.
but i know i envy your clean new soul and scrubbed pink lungs.
especially your time.
you have so much time.

a general reflection on life

independence is nothing but a self-righteous word for loneliness, a proud synonym for scared. you will find no stable self-sufficeincy nor functioning self-relience in my existence. i am devoid of comforting self-support, and in my newly found isolation the vivd realization of my need for your presence presents itself. now i write not for pleasure, but for sanity. i'd elaborate, but that would require revealing my soul, and that is no longer an option. i can't stand the thought of anyone but you being inside the whirlwinds of  thought between my ears. i don't like to think that you may thank i no longer think of you as my best friend. together we were a paradox, and i refuse to explain it because i loved that it was our secret. this started as a poem but has now become a melancholy homage to something i doubt i will ever grasp again in this life. so here's to you, my forever favorite, and i'll say it one last time: i miss you.

bad days make for great inspiration.

during the day i’m fine. my head is above water. i can breathe, even laugh, sometimes dance.
and then i get home and i’m under the pressure of years of treading water. everything i managed to avoid waterfalls over me and i can’t breathe. i can’t function. all i can do is cry.
i have no one to talk to it about anymore. they’re gone, and it makes these feelings so much worse. i’m not sure how i’ve made it this long without them. i tried to die while i had them. i’m not sure how history hasn’t repeated itself now that i’m alone.
i just want to feel light. i feel so weighed down. i don’t even know what it is that’s on top of me anymore. it’s not the weight of the world. its the heaviness of every breaking heart combined with the burning of every star, then thrown into a black hole. i’m collapsing in on myself. and there’s no way to pull me out without you getting sucked in too. and that’s why i can’t let anyone get close. i ruin everyone i love. i’m sorry to all of you who i did that to. i swear i’ll never let it happen again. i’ll find a way.